Somewhere Along the Way I Developed Arachnophobia

Here is my story for today. It didn’t actually happen today, but today was boring and I meant to blog about this a while ago.

Normally on the days I don’t have class, I get up, shower, clean something, write for a few hours, then I go out somewhere and do something. Christmas shopping, or go out with friends are the most typical right now. So on a perfectly average day I’m about to go out in the afternoon, but when I’m about to turn off the light, I spot this on my curtain:

Okay, that’s not actually the picture I took of it. But this is definitely the same species that was on my curtain.

Let me paint the picture for you. My curtains are thin, wispy little things. Between them and the window, there is a windowsill that is about fifteen-eighteen inches deep. On that windowsill sits a lamp, a vase with fake daisies, a book, and a neat collection of my essential oils.

Underneath the windowsill is a shelf with more books and my karate uniform.

Underneath that shelf is a dark, damp cave. AKA empty void between the shelf and the floor.

Above mentioned spider is about the size of a tablespoon. Not the measuring cup kind of tablespoon, because those are deep. But the silverware tablespoon, which is nice and flat and wide. And from my doorway, which is about ten feet away from the window, I could see this guy’s fangs.

I was never the kind of girl to scream about bugs, and I actually love snakes. I haven’t really freaked out about a spider before. I usually just catch them and throw them outside. But they don’t make spiders this big where I’m from.

Obviously, I couldn’t trap him because he was not on a solid surface. I didn’t think I could move fast enough to trap him on the curtain against the window with all the distance I’d have to cross before I had something solid behind him. I didn’t know how I could down angle him to trap him against the windowsill without knocking him to the floor.

Why not just kill him, you ask? Because I have this Eastern philosophy notion about taking life from another creature and karma and such things…I couldn’t do it.

So instead, I had a stare off with the spider for an hour.

I didn’t dare leave the room in case he ran and I’d never find him again.

I tried to think of something to paralyze him. Looked up oils in my essential oil handbook – nothing. And then realized I couldn’t get to them anyway as they were behind the curtain with a spider on it.

I don’t have any hairspray or other hair products, so I couldn’t stun him. But I do have perfume.

Armed with a $10 scent, I sprayed the devil out of that curtain.

The spider went crazy. It started running like a rage zombie all over the curtain. And you all know how much I hate zombies. And if you don’t know, understand that I fear zombies more than I fear drowning, being burned or buried alive, more than I fear terrorists or torture, more than I fear any mortal injury.

So. The spider is now running all over the curtain, but never making it onto a solid surface. When he calms down, I grab a glass and a folder, and I just decide to go for it. Trap him between the two.

It doesn’t work. But I do manage to knock him onto the ground, where he immediately seeks solace in the cave. I seriously consider leaving him there, but then I remember that during a scary movie marathon, Arachnophobia¬†is the only movie my friend and I couldn’t finish. And this spider could come out when I was asleep and kill me.

So I had a stroke of genius instead. I grabbed my bike light and shone it on him in the corner of the cave, making him too afraid to move. I ran into the hall and grabbed some air freshener from the cleaning closet. Readied my glass and folder, and shot that air freshener directly at the little devil.

It was enraged again, just like with the perfume, except this time it also seemed drunk. It was running around, but tripping over itself. Down came the glass…

I took it down the street and threw it into some grass.

Then I promptly went out and spent lots of money on Christmas presents to dispel the adrenaline.

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4 responses to “Somewhere Along the Way I Developed Arachnophobia

  1. This is a great story (other than the illustration, ugh). Do you think the spider was better off being sprayed by air freshener and perfume than just being killed?

    You know the phrase… the only thing worse than finding a spider in your room is losing a spider in your room…

    • I know it was probably equivalent to put the spider out in the cold while it was drunk as to kill it, but it did recover from the perfume rather quickly, so hopefully it recovered from the air freshener as well…

  2. Pingback: Scottish Arachnids: Bite Me. | Coming Through the Rye·

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